………

well…I guess I can’t keep trying to fool myself and act like I dont know….I know where a majority of my pain comes from….especially the mental pain….I dont know why but no matter how hard i focus on it and try to control it…I never can…time and time again I kick myself in the ass for it….I know what it does to me or what it can do but I just can’t let it go

I try and try day after day but sadly i always…..fail….no matter what I do…I fail…..sigh at times i do manage to control it a little better…but honestly that is not saying much…….

what is “true” pain….not your average everyday sore feeling…or cut…or mental let down……im talking true pain…what is it? Loosing a loved one? Loving someone back knowing that it will never be or knowing that dont share the same feelings for you as you do for them? Loosing a child? Being tormented everyday? Feeling heartache because you watch a loved one suffer and you know that there is nothing you can do to ease their pain?……I have found that true pain comes in many forms….some are…..well…just say that some are far worse than others……..I try to do my best at times….and well, do a good job at hiding it from most of the people i see everyday….but others…I can’t hide it from…can’t fool to save my life………

Some tell me that I need to move on….that I shouldnt let things get me down so much…that it is easier than you think to move on or hang in there…..before you preach to me about how easy it is to move on from things…take a few steps in my shoes….go threw some of the things that I have been threw and then tell me how easy it is….tell me how simple it is to move on……

you know…..sometimes i find my myself questioning things in life…or sometimes life itself…..I do my best to keep thinking positive and will continue to do so…but nights like to tonight I just have to take a pause…sit back…give a big sigh…and just….i dont know….questions start popping into my head one after the other.

I don’t question the acts of our Lord but sometimes I still ask why…why did you take my loved one from me? Why did you take such a kind, sweet loving person…..something I just dont understand and well….I know they are questions that will never be answered…..its just that feeling…you want to have an answer but you know before you ask the question that you will never receive one. 

Pushing forward I will still focus on on certain things to keep going the way i am going…to keep getting better…..but i do consider tonight……hmm…i guess you could say  set back….I know I will get past it…but it is a set back none the less.

Tonight I lost someone very special to me…although she was only my cousin…she was like the sister i never had……she was always there for me….we have been through….some horrible……truly horrible things to say the least…..she has helped me so much through all of this crap I have been going through and helping me stay sane….ok helping a lot of us stay sane. I really dont know what to say…just at a loss for words tonight….I can say…that you were a blessing Jess….you really were….you will be missed but never forgotten and always loved….I guess the one plus is that you are with your younger brother and sister who we last last year…..I love you Jess…R.I.P. 

Jessica Nicole Hernandez  July 16, 1992-May 19, 2012

been a while since I wrote on here but had to write a few things down. Sigh, these past few weeks have been….well….hell to say the least…..I have tried so hard for so long to keep going…to hang in there…..sadly…I couldn’t take it any more and did attempt the unthinkable. When I look back on it I feel ashamed and really kinda wish….well….i dont know exactly but it was probably the worse choice I have ever made. I just tired so hard….and it just never ended….I did try thinking about the one I love…and….Anjelea….all I can say is I’m sorry….but words alone mean nothing and will never be able to show how sorry I am…I know that was a selfish thing to do….a very stupid…stupid thing to do and I truly am sorry. I love you so much and I tried to hang on to that and I cant make an excuse but I still was just pushed to the edge. I wont lie…all I want in life is to see you….to be with you….I still hope that one day…I can….it has been peaceful here as of late (hell must have froze over) and recovery is going…ehh…going well…little slower than I had hoped but it is going well none the less. I do miss you…more than you know…and hope to see you one day soon <3 I love you

I feel so much love and passion it seems like nothing can bring me down….yet…a feeling hits me like a brick…that voice telling me that it will never be…the feeling always seems to find me…..

one of the dreams i had of you and I <3

I feel my heart beating with more love for you everyday…feeling and understanding what it truly wants….my heart wants you <3

so much has happened over the years and it has taken a huge toll on my body….sometimes i really question what is the point to continue on if it just leads to more torment and pain…..im not saying im  the only one going threw hell…not at all…but i have been threw things that some people couldnt even begin to imagine…..people think they know what horror is….most dont have a clue.   

night after night i lay here and think…i write….just my thoughts…pros and cons of life…sighh the cons really seem to be out weighing the pros right now….and i really question why i havent let it all go yet…i have asked myself that many times….

Tonight was another night where i just want to give up…to let go….but once again my heart reminds me why i dont….and it may seem simple to some…or weird…maybe seem stupid to some…but i guess the main reason i have never let go is love (my dream) the dream that one day i will be able to call you my own Anjelea…tonight i really saw just how deeply my love for you goes…..my heart has stayed with you all this time….i remember the day when i realized i had truly fallen in love with you…what a day that was.

Over the past few months i found myself trying to distance myself…and at times found myself just wanting to give up….tired of life….tired of everything…..but then i always find myself at the same stump…my heart can never let go….it never will…..and at times i wish it had….but when i think of it all…im glad it never did….I love you so much Anjelea…and i still hold onto my dream….maybe it will come true one day…i still hope and pray that it does. 

To this day i dont know what it truly is about you….i am never mad at you…i never hate you…i only love you…i mean i know why…but then i dont know….i know it may sound weird but not when you think about it…….LOVE is a powerful thing…it can make us the happiest people in the world yet it can turn around and destroy us…i can be an example of that…but the hope that one day…the one that you love will be yours….makes it all worth it….doesnt it?   Yes, no matter what we say at times…it does…..

All I ask for is 5 minutes of peace each day so I can get on facebook to talk with the only person I care about….is that to much to ask for?

it never fails…so quiet can here a pin drop…as soon as I get on and say hi to her….its like an atomic bomb went !!! I am glad I get to atleast say hi to her but come on….i want to be able to have a good convo with out haveing to worry about shit hitting the fan here…….i will say…if not for her…id have snapped long ago…and im getting close to that point :(

All I want to do is talk to her and people wont even let me do that…it hurts my heart….it really does :(